One can see it in their eyes. Throughout the week, a growing sense of panic has been slowly creeping up on America's male population. Sitting in their office cubicles, beads of sweat appearing on their foreheads, they suffer in silent despair. All thinking the same thought - "What the hell am I going to get her for Valentine's Day this year?"
Valentine's Day gift ideas to save your neck - Weird news & funny pictures
Photos : Diamonds - The world's first remote control
Now there are probably a few deluded fools reading this article who think that they are somehow off the hook.
Your girlfriend or wife probably told you not to bother getting her anything this year. After all, she even told you herself that Valentine's Day is just a commercial con invented by De Beers and the folks at Hallmark to get you to waste your hard-earned cash on a lot of meaningless junk.
Do not, we repeat, DO NOT, believe her. This is a trap. A test that you are about to fail, BIG TIME! You show up empty handed on Monday evening and you will be sleeping on the couch. And we suggest sleeping on you stomach - just in case she really angry!
And don't even think of reminding her that she was the one who told you not to buy her anything. Logic has no power over her at this moment in time. Believe us. Many of the guys here at the Gag Report have learnt this the hard way!
So what do you buy her? Diamonds? Well at least they have the mystical power shown in the above photos, but who want to spend hundreds of dollars on a piece of useless shiny crap that has no purpose other than to encourage slave labor and fund civil wars in Africa?
An expensive restaurant meal? Face it. By now, everything is already booked so what are you going to do? Take her for a Big Mac and fries? And even if you can find reservations somewhere nice you will end up paying a fortune and all night long she will still be sitting there waiting for you to give her her present!
So here's our Valentine's Day gift suggestion. It's simple and it won't cost you a lot, but it is guaranteed to leave her with a twinkle in her eyes, particularly when she gets together with her girlfriends the next day to compare who's guy loves them the most.
So here's the plan: Bring her a bunch of over-priced flowers, a sloppy expensive card and a decent bottle of Australian wine. Then cook her a candlelit meal and give her the best damn cunnilingus she's ever had!
And if you are lucky, she may even return the favor leaving you both looking forward to next year's Valentine's Day for once.
© 2004-2005 The Gag Report ™. All rights reserved.
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