Like many of you hot-bloodied males out there the guys here at the Gag Report have been puzzled as to why a sexy little cutie like Katie Holmes would want to get engaged to a short-arse like Tom Cruise. The mystery was finally made clear this week with the announcement that the innocent Miss Holmes has been brainwashed by Cruise into officially joining the Church of Scientology. So what can our sexy little Katie expect during her first "Church" meeting with this cult religion? The Gag Report investigates...
Katie Holmes brainwashed by Tom Cruise and Church of Scientology
Photo 1: Katie Holmes is seen here trying to wash off that disgusting "Tom Cruise" smell
Photo 2: Even the powers of Scientology can't help Tom Cruise with his premature ejaculation problem
Well first of all, the Church of Scientology was founded by a science fiction writer. (Just the sort of qualities one looks for in the next messiah!). But it appears that Mr. Hubbard had difficulties separating his furtive imagination from actual reality. In fact, he seems to have used the plot to one of his science fiction novels as the religion's Bible.
Cult members are 'taught' that the Earth was invaded 75 million years ago by the evil intergalactic ruler Xenu who implanted “thetans,” or alien ghosts, in earth’s volcanoes. (We are not making this shit up! We will leave that to Mr Hubbard.)
Members are then led to believe that these nasty buggers somehow escaped and invaded the bodies of each and every one of us. But don't worry! Help is on hand in the form of the Church of Scientology's “SEC WHOLE TRACK” questionnaire, an internal church document that was developed to identity the "evil alien ghosts" in all of us.
New recruits like Katie Holmes, are forced to answer 343 bizarre questions while hooked up to a crude lie detector as a Church-sanctioned auditor records the subject’s responses. (If you think that sounds scary - wait until you see the actual questions!) Below is a sample of what to expect:
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
• Have you driven anyone insane?
• Is anybody looking for you?
• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
• Have you ever gone crazy?
• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
• Have you ever smothered a baby?
• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
• Have you ever castrated anyone?
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Starting to get the picture? The Gag Report risked life and limb this week to secretly infiltrate the local scientology branch and steal a document containing Mr Cruise's answers to some of the above questions:
When asked whether he had "ever killed the wrong person", Mr Cruise wrote, "No, everyone of them deserved it." Then in reply to "have you ever smothered a baby", he replied, "Yes but I already told you - it deserved it."
Strangely enough, when asked "is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?", Tom replied, "Yes. That one!"
A court injunction currently prevents the Gag Report from revealing Tom's answer to the last question above - but let's just put it this way - Run Katie! Run!
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© 2004-2005 The Gag Report ™. All rights reserved.
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